As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
