you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
accomplished twins. life is a go
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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