I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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