Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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