I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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