I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
