I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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