If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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