Already got asked if we're dating
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
