He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm both gender and math confused
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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