good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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