he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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