Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
