its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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