so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
