So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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