Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
