I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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