he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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