is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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