my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
