remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
