fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just cut my nipple shaving
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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