I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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