i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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