she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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