Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
