it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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