I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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