And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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