im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
