Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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