Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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