i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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