Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
