this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
