He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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