So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
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if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?