You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
