just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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