you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
