the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
