I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
