apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
