you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
