she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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