I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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