Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
