I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.