hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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