Sry I called you an 8
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
