Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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