so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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