Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
