After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
